I have just gotten two emails from people who ended them with emoticons. Even worse, they were men. Obviously, only in the anatomic sense. I call them emoticonartists.
Men do not use emoticons. Why? Because men do not wink at each other, or stick out their tongues at each other, or do the other juvenile gestures that these colons and parentheses make at unsuspecting email readers daily. I can’t imagine a self-respecting man winking at me, so why would he wink at me via a sideways face with a long mouth? If a dude smiled and stuck out his tongue at me, I’d likely never speak to him again. A keyboard should never do something that a self-respecting man would not.
I know the temptation to end a sarcastic email with something to say “I’m not the jerk I sound like; this is sarcasm.” But a wink doesn’t say that. It says “I watch the Disney Channel,” not “I have a sense of humor.” End your email with a “HA!” or “Heh heh heh” or “…” or even better, with nothing at all.
So men, please leave the :-( and the ;-) and especially the :-P to the junior high girls who know how to use them. If you feel like you need to use one, hit yourself in the gut, click over to ESPN.com, maybe get your testosterone level checked, and just don’t do it. For the sake of the proud male gender, please don’t do it.
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